Reclaim 2020

I swear I will reclaim everything I’ve lost in 2019.

Processed with RNI Films. Preset ‘Kodachrome 50’s’

Baggage

 

For once, don’t ask.

Don’t ask why I look like a mess

when I just came from the bath in the morning.

Don’t ask why I overslept

when I slept thirteen long hours the day before.

Don’t ask why I can’t respond clearly

when I seem like I’m not doing anything.

Don’t ask why I’m the last to laugh at jokes

when I was the one whom the joke came from.

Don’t ask why I still get lost in my thoughts at times

when I seem to be fine minutes ago.

Don’t ask why I listen to overly emotional songs

when I said I’m perfectly okay.

Don’t ask why I, often times, choose beer

when I’m supposed to get the milkshake.

Don’t ask why I am who I am, and if I will ever be a better version of myself;

because, I am the better version of me.

So please don’t ask, because I’d rather not say why;

Or if you really want an answer,

Is “I have baggage” enough?

 

New Balance

You bring silence to my violent truth

You’re my salvage

You’re my balance

On signs and staying

I’m a believer of signs. Also, of staying.

I started to when years ago, I was supposed to make the biggest decision of my life and I couldn’t seem to decide what to do. So in that moment, I closed my eyes, and asked for signs.

Since then, I started to believe that when it’s hard to decide, I should just leave it up to the heavens to decide for me; but…

Signs are not always a good idea, though. They don’t all end well for you.

The first time was bad. I was rejected of a job I wanted in the place I dreamt of living in my entire life. My dreams, and my parents’ dream for me, came crumbling. It lessen my confidence, I lost my path. I changed a lot of plans I already looked forward to.

Although after years, simple answer was, it happened for a reason. I stayed for a reason. I lost my Mom. If I ended up going, I wouldn’t have spent the remaining year with her. So I learned to thank the heavens for that.

I stayed for a reason; and it was good.

The second time was bad. Because that time, I didn’t take what the signs were telling me. I made myself believe that they were telling me to stay, when in fact, they didn’t. They were telling me to go forth. But I was young, and blinded by love, so I stayed. Then, that love left me behind.

I stayed for a reason; and it wasn’t good.

Or maybe it is; because, I also believe in the domino effect of life. The idea that what happens to you one time could be a reason for another thing to unfold. You just don’t know yet whether it’s something good or bad. You just got to trust the signs.

Stay, and wait – and hope – that good things will come out of you staying.

But then, another door opened for me; also, another love came. The world is good. But the world is also confusing.

I wanted both; but clearly I can’t have both. So I did what I don’t usually do. I decided for myself. I got up to see where this door is going to take me. It was very promising, and I’m finally saying yes to going, but I couldn’t move. Something was blocking my path, and no matter how I forced to set it aside, it just wouldn’t move.

I knew immediately it was the sign. 

Maybe it was telling me that out of every stay, this would be the best, the greatest.

So I’m staying. With the hopes and prayers that this stay will be the promise of a lifetime.

*I'm staying, babe.

An open letter to every one who doubts the relationship I’m in right now

Dear every one,

Respect and understand my relationship right now, because it is what I want, and I’m happy with him. Don’t badmouth him, just because he doesn’t pass the standards of “your ideal boyfriend”. If I’m going to get hurt, this is my heart, I can take care of it.

Don’t turn him into one of your case studies, because again, I’m the one who’s dating him, not you. I guess you could leave it to me to figure him out. Don’t fast track to the hurt that I might get in the future that we can’t all predict. Just let me handle that if ever.

I have trust issues. he has trust issues. We’re both haunted by past loves that broke not just our hearts, but our ideals, our souls, our entire beings; and we’re both at the moment trying to stand from the fall, both trying to piece back what’s broken inside of us. So, please.

Please allow us to be with each other, while also trying to each find our own selves apart. We are not the same people in the same stories that you’re using as patterns for the advice you give me.

We are just him and I. We’re just trying to believe that once and for all, we deserve a love that would never leave. Good things take time. And somehow, I believe that we are good together; so we are going to take all the time that we need.

Meanwhile, just let us be.

Ugly Things

They say:

Focus on the beautiful things.

 

But I plead:

Let me realize that there are more things wrong about you than the good.

Let me venture into your messed up mind.

Let me hear the murmurs of your soul.

Let me smell your foul temper.

Let me taste whiskey in your mouth.

Let me feel your indifference.

Let me see the ink on your skin.

I shall focus on your imperfections,

on the pain you inflict on my open wounds;

scars that won’t ever heal.

 

I tell myself:

Focus on the ugly things,

so I can finally say,

I’m not in love anymore.

At different boulevards

 

At the boulevard of broken hearts, I found you.

You were at the corner

indifferent of people passing you by.

I was at the center trying to figure you out

but you never, even once, looked my way.

There, people passed me by like hurricanes.

And as storms raged,

and the lights dimmed,

I tried to find my way out.

I escaped. I left no trace.

But you’re image, so beautiful,

stuck with me, for days.

So I went to every boulevard, hoping to find you once more.

And I did.

I just wasn’t sure which boulevard it was.

You were always at the corner,

always indifferent.

I was always at the center, always trying to figure you out.

But this time, you looked my way.

You smiled at me and I knew then

that having searched for you calls for a celebration.

We met at the middle. Indifferent of people passing us by.

Like then,

Storms continue to rage,

Lights continue to flicker,

But even when we’re both unaware of when the lights may dim,

I promise you;

I will never look for a way out,

I will stay.

On timings, and (healing) hearts

I met you at the wrong time. But since then, you seemed to have hitched on my mind, I couldn’t seem to forget how we sat and laughed that one particular night; forever figuring out how two very selective strangers managed to stay together for hours at most in a crowded ground, blocking the noise which surrounded us.

I met you at the wrong time. But since then, I welcomed the thought of you into my life, no matter how impossible I knew for it to be.

I met you at the wrong time. But since then, it seemed as if I left a tiny piece of my heart with you the night we parted. But I was very wrong, because that ignited something in me that wanted to push through with you, with us.

I met you at the wrong time. But since then, I knew; that there was a reason we crossed paths.

I met you at the wrong time. But; was I wrong?

Was it really wrong timing?

THEN –

The universe shifted.

I knew then, the timing was right.

I met you at the right time. That dawn when my heart shattered into a million pieces, you were there to make sure I hold on to those little pieces, so I could put them back together one day.

I met you at the right time. That moment when I wanted to just fade into nothingness and never come back again.

I met you at the right time. That time when you had to help me etch in my mind that I’m important, and that I deserve better than being the girl who loves more and receives less.

I met you at the right time. That night you wanted to take me out, so you could help me forget.

(When we met, I couldn’t tell if it was right timing for you, because in your eyes I saw that your heart, too, is still broken; and even when you tell me that you let go a long time ago, there was something in those eyes that told me you didn’t.)

I met you at the right time. That moment when you and I shared the brokenness, and somehow swore to mend each other’s heart. For always.

I met you at the right time. Those words you gave me that made me believe that I can genuinely be happier than I ever did. (You did good, my sweet.)

I met you at the right time. You helped fixed my heart. You didn’t let me put back the pieces together alone. You helped me through the process, and it was the nicest thing a stranger, well a former stranger, could ever do for me.

But, darling –

You’re so young, and so full of drive, and so beautiful, you’re too good to be true.

You are a little bit of everything; you’re all over the place, one moment you’re this, and another moment you’re that, you’re yin, and then you’re yang, and I don’t know what to make of you. Sometimes I can’t keep up; and it scares me.

You scare me.

Or maybe the adventure you bring with you scares me.

When I think about you, I sigh – long, deep, and then I ask:

“Together, what could we ever become?”

Was this really the right timing?

(No; because you’re too young, and I’m too old, and although we meet in the middle, I don’t think that’s enough.)

(Yes; because what the world thinks, and what the people say do not matter, what matters is what we think and feel between the two of us; and I think that’s enough.)

You see, you inspire me to be carefree, and reckless, and live in the moment. You make me realize that sometimes it’s fine to be indecisive; that sometimes straightforward to explain your indecisiveness is good. You make me realize so much, that even when it’s not supposed to be our right timing, for me it is. Because having you in my life is never wrong timing.

You are good; and you are real; (and life seldom offers me something as beautiful as you).

Never mind the world, darling. You’re both wrong and right.

Mom, what did we last talk about?

Last words are powerful.

In stories or movies with heartbreaking endings, characters would leave important words that would impact the lives of the viewers; those which would give them epiphanies, so they would want to be better, to change, or to continue in life giving their best foot forward.

But fiction is fiction; and these words are well thought of and edited a hundred, or maybe a thousand times to create a perfect ending. Here is reality. In the real world, there are no beautiful and impact giving last words. Only questions of what should’ve been said before the parting.

It’s ironic how important for me last words are, when I can’t even remember what my Mom last told me before she passed. I didn’t realize this until months after my Mom’s passing, I was telling a close friend about the day Mom went when surprisingly, I was caught off guard and suddenly asked “What were Mama’s last words? Because I honestly can’t remember”.

The question haunted me for days, and up until now, it still does. I can’t remember what my Mom’s last words were. Sometimes, it’s funny; but most times, it’s devastating.

Every night, when I’m about to sleep, I look at my Mom’s photos on my bedroom wall, and wonder. How did I get to say goodbye? Or was I able to?

The sunset my Mom passed wasn’t the kind you see in movies. It was painful, and every night I remember.

I remember how she fought for air, how she held my Dad, how she couldn’t decide whether to lie down or sit, how she tried to vomit but nothing came out, how my Dad did all he could to help her be comfortable, and how I came down from upstairs and saw Mom peacefully lying there, lifeless. I never saw how she went, I never heard what she last said, but Daddy told me that as she drew her last breath, she whispered to him that we two should stick together no matter what; that she loved me so much.

Even though my Dad told me what she spoke of in her last moments, I deemed it important to remember what we, my Mom and I, last talked about. But no matter what I do, no matter how much I vividly remember the sunset she passed, I couldn’t seem to grasp what our last conversation was about. It’s like the world is playing this game on me about how I still feel the sting of losing her like it just happened earlier today, but the things we last spoke of were completely lost somewhere in between muffled cries and breaking hearts.

Every day, when my mind becomes unoccupied; every night, before I sleep, I go back to those last moments with Mom. I don’t care if replaying everything would scar my heart more than it already is. All I know is that I won’t ever be at peace until I remember the last words I heard her said.

I hate that this is reality; and that I am part of this madness. I hate that I can’t rewrite Mom’s last moments, so I’d be able to talk to her one last time; that I’d be able to somehow make our last conversation beautiful.

I hate that I feel so much, but I can’t remember.

Mom, I’m sorry if I can’t let this go. But I know, someday I will be able to, when I have my questions answered, I will then, let you go.

You’re my hero, so stay

You are both my hero, and my downfall.

Before that, you were just a face in a roomful of people. It’s funny how time changes things; or no, maybe people are the ones who change things. However it goes though, it doesn’t matter. You’re here now.

When you came, I didn’t know what I signed up for. I wasn’t fully aware of the effect that you, that this, would have on me. I took risks anyway. I’m a risk taker. I don’t think ahead of things. I just savor whatever the moment gives me.

Luckily, life gave me you. From the moment I had you, you’ve been giving me comfort. You give me things others wouldn’t even bother to give me. You give me time. You know me, sometimes better than I know myself. You continue to stay despite seeing the darkest, and messed up parts of me. You push me to be the best version of myself; to do things I’m not aware I’m capable of doing. You believe in me so much it starts to scare me.

It scares me that I’m too messed up to achieve the things you want for me.

It scares me that I would let you down; and when I do, you will leave me behind.

So I constantly reevaluate myself. If I’m being the person you liked in the first place. If I’m good enough for you. If I’m still the intelligent woman you believe me to be.

You see, I don’t want you to go. I can’t see you go. I don’t know what I’ll do if.

To me, you are my tattoo. Meaningful and important etched in my skin. A symbol to remind me that I chose you, because I want to. Not because I was told, or because I’ll be pretty with it.

Before you came, I didn’t know how valuable you’d be. Still, I chose you; and then you saved me. You saved me from the person I don’t deserve. You saved me from choosing the wrong decisions. You saved me from insanity when Mom was rushed to the hospital. You saved me when I wanted to die with my Mom.

You’re still saving me; from the immature woman I could turn into at times, for the bad decisions I might make.

I don’t know how it feels like to hang around me; to understand me when I’m being difficult. But somehow, you manage to do it. And you manage to teach me a lot of things, so I’d be a better person. You’re still saving me.

Every day, I ask the heavens why you came. But until now, I still can’t figure out how someone who’s as beautiful and as goodhearted as you would ever be part of my life. I know that it’s not just about saving me, it’s much more; and I know that the answers will come. At the right time, like you always said. Along with the questions, I beg the Almighty to please make you stay.

Please, love. Stay.