On signs and staying

I’m a believer of signs. Also, of staying.

I started to when years ago, I was supposed to make the biggest decision of my life and I couldn’t seem to decide what to do. So in that moment, I closed my eyes, and asked for signs.

Since then, I started to believe that when it’s hard to decide, I should just leave it up to the heavens to decide for me; but…

Signs are not always a good idea, though. They don’t all end well for you.

The first time was bad. I was rejected of a job I wanted in the place I dreamt of living in my entire life. My dreams, and my parents’ dream for me, came crumbling. It lessen my confidence, I lost my path. I changed a lot of plans I already looked forward to.

Although after years, simple answer was, it happened for a reason. I stayed for a reason. I lost my Mom. If I ended up going, I wouldn’t have spent the remaining year with her. So I learned to thank the heavens for that.

I stayed for a reason; and it was good.

The second time was bad. Because that time, I didn’t take what the signs were telling me. I made myself believe that they were telling me to stay, when in fact, they didn’t. They were telling me to go forth. But I was young, and blinded by love, so I stayed. Then, that love left me behind.

I stayed for a reason; and it wasn’t good.

Or maybe it is; because, I also believe in the domino effect of life. The idea that what happens to you one time could be a reason for another thing to unfold. You just don’t know yet whether it’s something good or bad. You just got to trust the signs.

Stay, and wait – and hope – that good things will come out of you staying.

But then, another door opened for me; also, another love came. The world is good. But the world is also confusing.

I wanted both; but clearly I can’t have both. So I did what I don’t usually do. I decided for myself. I got up to see where this door is going to take me. It was very promising, and I’m finally saying yes to going, but I couldn’t move. Something was blocking my path, and no matter how I forced to set it aside, it just wouldn’t move.

I knew immediately it was the sign. 

Maybe it was telling me that out of every stay, this would be the best, the greatest.

So I’m staying. With the hopes and prayers that this stay will be the promise of a lifetime.

*I'm staying, babe.
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An open letter to every one who doubts the relationship I’m in right now

Dear every one,

Respect and understand my relationship right now, because it is what I want, and I’m happy with him. Don’t badmouth him, just because he doesn’t pass the standards of “your ideal boyfriend”. If I’m going to get hurt, this is my heart, I can take care of it.

Don’t turn him into one of your case studies, because again, I’m the one who’s dating him, not you. I guess you could leave it to me to figure him out. Don’t fast track to the hurt that I might get in the future that we can’t all predict. Just let me handle that if ever.

I have trust issues. he has trust issues. We’re both haunted by past loves that broke not just our hearts, but our ideals, our souls, our entire beings; and we’re both at the moment trying to stand from the fall, both trying to piece back what’s broken inside of us. So, please.

Please allow us to be with each other, while also trying to each find our own selves apart. We are not the same people in the same stories that you’re using as patterns for the advice you give me.

We are just him and I. We’re just trying to believe that once and for all, we deserve a love that would never leave. Good things take time. And somehow, I believe that we are good together; so we are going to take all the time that we need.

Meanwhile, just let us be.

Ugly Things

28276209_10210726526180531_181820635_oThey say:

Focus on the beautiful things.

 

But I plead:

Let me realize that there are more things wrong about you than the good.

Let me venture into your messed up mind.

Let me hear the murmurs of your soul.

Let me smell your foul temper.

Let me taste whiskey in your mouth.

Let me feel your indifference.

Let me see the ink on your skin.

I shall focus on your imperfections,

on the pain you inflict on my open wounds;

scars that won’t ever heal.

 

I tell myself:

Focus on the ugly things,

so I can finally say,

I’m not in love anymore.

On timings, and (healing) hearts

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I met you at the wrong time. But since then, you seemed to have hitched on my mind, I couldn’t seem to forget how we sat and laughed that one particular night; forever figuring out how two very selective strangers managed to stay together for hours at most in a crowded ground, blocking the noise which surrounded us.

I met you at the wrong time. But since then, I welcomed the thought of you into my life, no matter how impossible I knew for it to be.

I met you at the wrong time. But since then, it seemed as if I left a tiny piece of my heart with you the night we parted. But I was very wrong, because that ignited something in me that wanted to push through with you, with us.

I met you at the wrong time. But since then, I knew; that there was a reason we crossed paths.

I met you at the wrong time. But; was I wrong?

Was it really wrong timing?

THEN –

The universe shifted.

I knew then, the timing was right.

I met you at the right time. That dawn when my heart shattered into a million pieces, you were there to make sure I hold on to those little pieces, so I could put them back together one day.

I met you at the right time. That moment when I wanted to just fade into nothingness and never come back again.

I met you at the right time. That time when you had to help me etch in my mind that I’m important, and that I deserve better than being the girl who loves more and receives less.

I met you at the right time. That night you wanted to take me out, so you could help me forget.

(When we met, I couldn’t tell if it was right timing for you, because in your eyes I saw that your heart, too, is still broken; and even when you tell me that you let go a long time ago, there was something in those eyes that told me you didn’t.)

I met you at the right time. That moment when you and I shared the brokenness, and somehow swore to mend each other’s heart. For always.

I met you at the right time. Those words you gave me that made me believe that I can genuinely be happier than I ever did. (You did good, my sweet.)

I met you at the right time. You helped fixed my heart. You didn’t let me put back the pieces together alone. You helped me through the process, and it was the nicest thing a stranger, well a former stranger, could ever do for me.

But, darling –

You’re so young, and so full of drive, and so beautiful, you’re too good to be true.

You are a little bit of everything; you’re all over the place, one moment you’re this, and another moment you’re that, you’re yin, and then you’re yang, and I don’t know what to make of you. Sometimes I can’t keep up; and it scares me.

You scare me.

Or maybe the adventure you bring with you scares me.

When I think about you, I sigh – long, deep, and then I ask:

“Together, what could we ever become?”

Was this really the right timing?

(No; because you’re too young, and I’m too old, and although we meet in the middle, I don’t think that’s enough.)

(Yes; because what the world thinks, and what the people say do not matter, what matters is what we think and feel between the two of us; and I think that’s enough.)

You see, you inspire me to be carefree, and reckless, and live in the moment. You make me realize that sometimes it’s fine to be indecisive; that sometimes straightforward to explain your indecisiveness is good. You make me realize so much, that even when it’s not supposed to be our right timing, for me it is. Because having you in my life is never wrong timing.

You are good; and you are real; (and life seldom offers me something as beautiful as you).

Never mind the world, darling. You’re both wrong and right.