My final say on leaving

I’ve been trying so hard to be the daughter my parents want. I’ve given up half of my life just to be that girl. But I cannot go on any longer. I think it’s time for me to do the things I want and decide for myself.

I don’t want to go abroad. It’s a very promising future for me, but If that path means leaving behind the people I love, then I won’t go. It’s much better for me to stay here in my country and live within my means than go and earn lots in another country alone.

Okay, it’s not only just because of the “people” I love but the one person I love in particular. I cannot go knowing there’s nobody to take care of him and remember to celebrate special occasions with him. I cannot go and accept the fact that I won’t be able to spend time or see him for years, or maybe not ever again. I cannot go and say good bye and try to spend the last days with him faking happiness and promising things that I can’t and won’t be able to do anymore. I cannot go and have everything because everything will mean nothing without him.

If I leave, then it will be like ripping my heart out of my chest to bleed and hurt everyday feeling empty and wishing for completeness. It’s the worst thing ever.

No. I won’t leave. That’s my final decision.

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A love story

I am a big fan of romance. I enjoy seeing other people express their never ending love for their partners. Moreover, I enjoy reading novels that has an extraordinary love story, because I like seeing love in a new perspective. Not all love stories are the same. But at some point or another, there’s a difference that makes a relationship original.

I’m not going to tackle one by one for you all the love stories I know. I’m just going to mention one in particular. This is a story which made me believe that we can actually learn to love someone unconditionally not because we loved that person from the beginning we met him, but because we choose to accept the good or the bad and give importance to the memories we both have shared.

B was an introvert. She was always comfortable on her own. She loved her father so much that she thought she never needed someone to be with for the rest of her life. A was happy go lucky. He liked going out with his friends and he was a big shot among the girls. B and A knew each other because B’s mom hired A to teach B’s sister how to drive. B and A never talked before. Then B’s father died. Her mom was devastated. B was in so much pain. B’s mom was sick, so she decided to marry B off because she knew that if she didn’t, B would become an old maid. B married A. After a year, they had a daughter. B’s mom was really happy. She loved her grand daughter so much she spent all her waking moment taking care of her. Then B’s mom died.

B’s sister rarely went home because she was a military doctor. She needed to stay in the military camps. B’s relatives were in the province. So all that B had was A and their daughter. It was never a perfect marriage. B and A always fight because they really could not get along, even with simple little things. A would always threaten to leave B and take their child with him. A lot of shouting. A lot of pain. For so many years, they did this. But A never left B. He could not. After the fights, they would reconcile and be happier than they ever were. Eventually, the fightings that caused a lot of pain stopped. The threats of leaving stopped. The love grew stronger and the understanding grew deeper.

They were finally able to express their love for each other. And those times, they really mean it. They still fight, but most of the time together were good times. They cuddle, they kiss, they laugh about silly stuff. Sometimes they just sit there, holding each other. It seems like the silence is also a connection. A link to each other that only the two of them could understand.

As I watch them and their love every day, I couldn’t help but be amazed by how they learned to love each other unconditionally despite their history. I think that they’re really lucky to have each other, that this is one love story designed by God.

When I fall in love, I want to have the kind of love that they have. Because someday, I want my kids to also be wanting the kind of love that their parents have. I want them to be writing about their mom and dad’s love story.

On being a foreigner

It was a topic that died a year or more ago which was unexpectedly brought up while having dinner last night. My dad told me about a site, carefully speaking out every syllable of it just to make sure that I got it right and that I won’t forget it. My mind went completely blank because I never thought about the idea for such a long time and I guess I’m in no mood to talk about it at the moment. But because my dad was, and still is I guess, hesitant for me to look it up, I did. Typing “Literature or English Teacher” felt foreign to me. It was a really long time since I last looked for a job on the internet. And the thought that this is about leaving the country makes it worse. The mere thought that I even dreamt of working overseas makes me feel things that I haven’t felt before.

Two years ago I was eagerly searching for a job abroad. I had a lot of contacts for jobs in different countries. I was completing documents I might’ve needed. I was too busy reviewing for the IELTS exam. But sadly, all my dreams came crumbling down because they all waived my application. I was too young then, too inexperienced, too unready to live in a foreign land. With broken heart I accept that fate. I thought that I could always apply in the future. I held onto the idea that God has the right timing for everything to happen. And someday, I would be a grown up, I would have enough experience, and I would be too ready to face what lies ahead. I would be too brave to live on my own.

I held onto that dream. And so I worked hard. I grew up. I gained enough experience. But still, I’m not ready.

As I grew, I never thought that I would be walking away from that dream. It was very promising but I realized that I could not be good enough for that. I could not take it that everyday I would wake up and know that I am alone. That my parents are not one hug away. That the people I love and adore are not one text away. That it isn’t that easy for me to see them and hold them close. I cannot ever live with that. Because my family and friends are much more important to me than my career. So I buried that dream.

The question is: Did I ever make the right choice?