I have always believed in you. When you tell me things about your life, I never needed proof… In my eyes and my mind, you are always right. But one morning, you told me why slides exist. You said they were there to remind us of happiness while falling even when we know that nobody will catch us at the end of it. But for the first time, you were wrong, my sweet. I would never let you hit the ground.
You are one of my favorite summer memories. Wherever you are, I hope you’re doing well. I hope you’re happy. I hope you’ve moved on. I hope, in little things, you’d remember me: in acoustic songs, in thick books, in feminism, in tranquil mornings, in strong coffees, in the scent of jasmines, in black dresses, even in trash films. Because I’d remember you: in kind gestures and words, in the color blue, in nature, in intelligent conversations, in summer’s wind, in the word “fate”. One day, I’ll allow my heart to go on a search for you. But for the meantime, I’ll accept what is. You leaving me, when I started loving you.
Whenever we feel so bad about something, we would hear the words “move on.” People say it all the time, but it isn’t often done in a short while. It could take weeks or months or for some crazy dumbass it could take a year or maybe let’s add an “s” to that, it may take years, because the truth is: moving on is one of the hardest things people do. It’s a lot harder than working with the craziest people 6 hours a day for 5 days a week for 20 days a month for 10 months a year for the rest of your life. It requires a huge amount of effort and emotional stability. Stuff we can’t actually grasp on unless somebody or something pushes us to. At least, it’s what we all believe. But you see, if we look closely, it’s just easy. Yes it requires time but when that moment comes, when you finally do it, that’s it. Congratulations to you and to your heart which endured all the pain there were in the world.
There were never any hi’s, only smiles. You seemed like you wanted to say something important, but you ended up with stuff I didn’t even understand. I gave a series of nods because I didn’t want you to leave. Still, you left, but each time you’d come back. I was playing hard to get, so you waited for me at the door. When you left, it didn’t occur to me that you’d never come back at all. That was never polite sweetheart, you should’ve said goodbye.
It isn’t like I could take back what I did. There’s no going back and righting the wrongs. There’s only looking at the present and blaming myself each waking moment for having been unfair.
No matter what happens, I love you. I always will.
I never thought of you to be kinder. Usually, you’re the type of guy who wreaks havoc in the lives of innocent girls and leaves them picking up the pieces of their heart. So I tried hard to stay away from you. I nearly did. But you were easy to get along with, and we walk the same way home. I figured it wasn’t wrong to be friends. That’s right. I saw you just as a friend back then. But then, circumstances happened. Fights occurred. And to my surprise we ended up fixing things by just talking. I thought it was really different. And really sweet. That’s when I started to hang out with you. Buying and eating lunch together. Go to places together. Send messages. Ask favors. Wait for the other in going home. We did everything together. And I started to guard my heart. But I wasn’t a good cop. Without me knowing, you stole my heart and kept it with you. It was like a conspiracy that I’m a part of. I knew you had it, but I never tried to take it back. I allowed myself to be captured by you. Then a lot of things happened that brought us closer to each other. But the closer we get, the more mysterious you became. But I never asked. I never complained. Because for me, you are perfectly what you are. And the more perfect I see you as, the deeper I fell for you. And I couldn’t do anything about it. I knew I didn’t have the chance. I had thoughts to assume, but I pulled back. Because I knew that the moment I start with the assumptions, there’s no way back to sanity. Along with the feelings, there came fights and reconciliations, and memories to last a lifetime. During that time I was already aware that it would be hard for me to go when the time comes so I kept tabs on the things we did together for me to remember. While I was at that, I realized that I shouldn’t be listing down anymore, because surely I wouldn’t forget. How could I if I did everything with you already. That realization hit me. And it was so damn painful ‘cause I was aware that it would be my ticket to sadness. That year was not long. One day I woke up, and realized that I only had a few days before we say goodbye. I was being emotional and had a lot of thoughts. Of sad thoughts. But I smiled through the pain anyway. Yet you told me that I was too transparent and that you know how I felt that time. That I wasn’t really happy. That I wasn’t really prepared to go. There are a lot of things that you know about me, things that you knew because you’re a good observer. But still, there are things you don’t know. Things I didn’t tell you because I didn’t have the heart to. The truth is, I was afraid. I was afraid of leaving. When you talked me into staying, you had no idea that I had that letter of intent readied all along. But then I thought that if leaving is painful and scary, then it’s much scarier and more painful to stay. I knew that the moment I stay, it was like I was swearing that I’m ready with whatever that will happen this coming year. But reality is, I’m not. I may not know what will come but if there’s one thing I’m sure of, there won’t always be sunshines. We may change along the way. We may get tired of each other and look for another companion. We may fall in love, but not with each other. That will definitely hurt. And since I’m transparent and you’re the one who could always see that, then I couldn’t hide that it’s painful. And since I’m frank about things, I may say out loud that I actually regret staying. I don’t want those things to happen. So before they may occur, I already prevented them to. I’m not actually happy with the decision I made. But I guess it’s for the better of the both of us.
I just finished watching Flipped. You know that story with a boy (Bryce Loski) who was always annoyed by the girl who’s clearly madly in love with him and had been stalking him since second grade, he tried everything to avoid her and then when he already did and she didn’t like him anymore, he eventually came to realize that he really likes her.
I like the film. Not just because the boy who played Bryce Loski is way too cute, (which I’ve been ranting about with my cousin) but because I like the idea of it. Of having the courage to show someone how you really feel. Of not getting tired of loving someone even when you’re not getting something in return. Of having your own spot (like on top of a tree) wherein you always find peace. Of knowing the best way to say you’re sorry. Of knowing when to keep your distance. Of knowing when to stop even when it’s too painful. Of having something to believe in. Of accepting things as they are.
I began to wonder, perhaps I could be Juli, and you could be Bryce. I’m not into sycamore trees or anything but I knew that when I met you, I already flipped. Boy I did try to fight the feeling, but see I kept coming back to you. So I guess maybe someday you’ll flip too?
Sometimes, there are a lot of things that will come our way before we learn. We may or may not be a part of those occurrences. We may be in the light or in the dark. But what’s sure is that at the end of those circumstances, we get to realize a lot of things vital to the shaping of who we are as a person.
I’d always thought I’m the good girl. The one who could understand everyone who needs understanding. The one who doesn’t care about taking sides. The one who’s always just and fair. But I’d never thought I’m no good. I’m just like the others. When I get mad, I curse, I bitch around, I hold grudges – and those, I realized, are what I’m good at. If I got mad, I mean really mad, at someone, I don’t talk with them, I don’t even look at them, I get by the whole day erasing them and their existence in my world.
Looking at the big picture now, it dawned on me that I should never meddle with somebody’s problems. Better yet, not get mad at who they’re mad at. But then, if you’re my friend, then I’ll stand up for you. And that means I, will of course, take your side. Like always. In anything. But then, am I not taking your side because I hear a lot of stories from you that would make worst of the image of the one you’re mad at, then I figured that I’m turning against that person too even when s/he didn’t do anything bad to me. To fix my image, I could say that perhaps there are one or three mistakes that my friend’s foe did towards me, but is it reasonable for me to act like a bitch towards that person? Who, I may add, is technically my friend too. If I’m going to ask this myself then, I’d say yes, without second thoughts. But I’m asking myself this now, and I’d have to say no. Admittedly, I was a bitch.
It was really sad that I get to realize these things just now. When it’s too late to fix things because they’re so damn broken. When that friend once was no longer a friend. I don’t know if it’s divine intervention, but one moment, I just found myself looking back to all the memories, and I realized how dumb I was to easily ruin the friendship I had because of such circumstances.
I thought hard, and I guess God really helps us find a way to somehow retie some knots that were once broken if we really want to. And for a moment in my life, I said sorry. I wasn’t expecting for more. But I really didn’t think that these are people that despite so much pain they went through, they still know how to forgive and still want you back in their lives. These are people whom I’ve hurt a lot of times, and yet, still give me, sincerely, their love and forgiveness.
Things and people happen due to reasons that we may never understand. But what’s sure is that we’ll never be forever blind. The right moment comes in which we get to realize that they have become instruments to make us better than who we were.