New Balance

You bring silence to my violent truth

You’re my salvage

You’re my balance

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On signs and staying

I’m a believer of signs. Also, of staying.

I started to when years ago, I was supposed to make the biggest decision of my life and I couldn’t seem to decide what to do. So in that moment, I closed my eyes, and asked for signs.

Since then, I started to believe that when it’s hard to decide, I should just leave it up to the heavens to decide for me; but…

Signs are not always a good idea, though. They don’t all end well for you.

The first time was bad. I was rejected of a job I wanted in the place I dreamt of living in my entire life. My dreams, and my parents’ dream for me, came crumbling. It lessen my confidence, I lost my path. I changed a lot of plans I already looked forward to.

Although after years, simple answer was, it happened for a reason. I stayed for a reason. I lost my Mom. If I ended up going, I wouldn’t have spent the remaining year with her. So I learned to thank the heavens for that.

I stayed for a reason; and it was good.

The second time was bad. Because that time, I didn’t take what the signs were telling me. I made myself believe that they were telling me to stay, when in fact, they didn’t. They were telling me to go forth. But I was young, and blinded by love, so I stayed. Then, that love left me behind.

I stayed for a reason; and it wasn’t good.

Or maybe it is; because, I also believe in the domino effect of life. The idea that what happens to you one time could be a reason for another thing to unfold. You just don’t know yet whether it’s something good or bad. You just got to trust the signs.

Stay, and wait – and hope – that good things will come out of you staying.

But then, another door opened for me; also, another love came. The world is good. But the world is also confusing.

I wanted both; but clearly I can’t have both. So I did what I don’t usually do. I decided for myself. I got up to see where this door is going to take me. It was very promising, and I’m finally saying yes to going, but I couldn’t move. Something was blocking my path, and no matter how I forced to set it aside, it just wouldn’t move.

I knew immediately it was the sign. 

Maybe it was telling me that out of every stay, this would be the best, the greatest.

So I’m staying. With the hopes and prayers that this stay will be the promise of a lifetime.

*I'm staying, babe.

An open letter to every one who doubts the relationship I’m in right now

Dear every one,

Respect and understand my relationship right now, because it is what I want, and I’m happy with him. Don’t badmouth him, just because he doesn’t pass the standards of “your ideal boyfriend”. If I’m going to get hurt, this is my heart, I can take care of it.

Don’t turn him into one of your case studies, because again, I’m the one who’s dating him, not you. I guess you could leave it to me to figure him out. Don’t fast track to the hurt that I might get in the future that we can’t all predict. Just let me handle that if ever.

I have trust issues. he has trust issues. We’re both haunted by past loves that broke not just our hearts, but our ideals, our souls, our entire beings; and we’re both at the moment trying to stand from the fall, both trying to piece back what’s broken inside of us. So, please.

Please allow us to be with each other, while also trying to each find our own selves apart. We are not the same people in the same stories that you’re using as patterns for the advice you give me.

We are just him and I. We’re just trying to believe that once and for all, we deserve a love that would never leave. Good things take time. And somehow, I believe that we are good together; so we are going to take all the time that we need.

Meanwhile, just let us be.